"The Great Northern Takeover: How the U.S. Plans to ‘Liberate’ Canada and Greenland—Whether They Like It or Not"

Ah, the United States and its unwavering commitment to "liberating" territories that never asked to be liberated. The idea of Canada and Greenland becoming America’s newest acquisitions fits perfectly into the grand tradition of manifest destiny—just with more ice and fewer people.

1. Canada: The 51st State That Never Was

Let’s be honest: Canada is basically America’s polite cousin with better healthcare and fewer mass shootings. Why keep up the charade of independence? If history has taught us anything, it’s that Americans love to impose their way of life on others, whether they like it or not. As Mark Twain once said, “God created war so that Americans would learn geography.” Well, it's about time they learned where Ottawa is.

Besides, Canada’s excessive politeness would fit right into America’s current international strategy: confuse the enemy by apologizing first, then invading. And really, wouldn’t it be easier for the U.S. to just annex Canada rather than pretend they respect its sovereignty? The biggest change for Canadians would be swapping their funny-looking banknotes for good old-fashioned U.S. dollars—because nothing screams economic stability like a national debt larger than Greenland’s entire glacier mass.

2. Greenland: Trump’s Real Estate Dream

Donald Trump once proposed buying Greenland, which at the time sounded like just another one of his “great ideas” (right up there with injecting bleach). But why buy when you can just claim it was always American? After all, logic has never been a requirement for U.S. expansion. Greenland is full of untapped natural resources, and as Henry Kissinger famously said, “America has no permanent friends or enemies, only interests.” And by "interests," we mean oil, rare minerals, and whatever else can be exploited before climate change turns the place into Atlantis 2.0.

Of course, the local Inuit population might object, but when has that ever stopped the U.S.? Just rename Nuuk to something more patriotic—like “Liberty Icefield” or “Freedomberg”—and call it a day. If all else fails, a few Starbucks locations and a Chick-fil-A should be enough to convince Greenlanders that American culture is their true destiny.

3. The Grand Finale: American Generosity in Action

The best part of all this? The U.S. wouldn’t even need to use military force. Canada and Greenland could be persuaded through the traditional method: overwhelming them with Hollywood, TikTok, and burgers until they surrender out of sheer exhaustion. As George Bernard Shaw put it, “America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.”

And of course, there’s the question of logistics. Would Canadians and Greenlanders really be willing to switch to Fahrenheit, use miles instead of kilometers, and adopt the thrilling U.S. electoral system where the winner doesn’t always win? Probably not.

A Final Thought—And a Joke

If the U.S. does go ahead with this plan, at least there’s one silver lining: Greenland would finally get some decent roads.

And now, the joke:Why did the U.S. try to buy Greenland?Because Canada was too polite to say no, and the U.K. was already taken.